Cocoon to Butterfly

I’ve been in isolation for a while now.

It’s comfortable.

It’s cozy.

It’s totally unfulfilling.

It’s lonely.

It’s full of numbing out and not wanting to feel or be in my body.

Cocooning.

561089_10151949501860298_1441985787_nLiving in a fog, is great in the moment, but over a lifetime? Disappointing.

I found myself diving into isolation because

People had failed me.

Godly people.

Because taking relational risks was such a burden.

Because I hated myself.

Now it’s time for me to spread my wings,

To grab onto God and His People.

To start trusting,

That He has a plan

For my life

For my relationships

For my desires

I’m at a place where the need for connection is so much greater than the fear of not being accepted and not being heard.

Inviting God into these moments seems to be my only solution. Everything the world has to offer has left me in that place of isolation.

As I seek God for His role in the next chapter of my life, I need His People surrounding me, leading me, encouraging me, and challenging me.

How do I do that?

Pray.

Breathe.

Be Open.

Be Available.

As I attempt to tip-toe out of my cave, I see that my period underground has been a beautiful thing. Not every moment, but over all, I look back with pride and admiration of the person I am becoming. I think I am very tired of hiding. But, it’s so scary to peek out under all these layers of physical & emotional weight.

It’s time to continue to emerge from the cocoon, if even for just a moment. So that I might reveal my True Self, the Self that God sees.

I need and desire a “necessary ending” with my relationships. My old habits do not bring me the results I desire. I need to revolutionize and prune these people, things, and habits that just don’t do it.

I’m in a period of trying new things, challenging myself, keeping what works and getting rid of what doesn’t. It’s evolution & growth.

My soul has to change.
My soul responds to kindness.
My soul responds to love and deity.

My soul cries out for Her Creator.
And the creator is about holiness.

Jesus is enough.
But it doesn’t feel like that all of the time.
And that’s when it’s time to move from a shallow faith to one much more deep.

Lord,
Forgive me for my lack of faith, my tendency to hide, my selfish nature, and loveless actions. Help me to be You to others, instead of consuming my time by filling myself up with things that have no value. Give me what I need to do your will. Help me to Trust You. Help me to see you in the tapestry and poetry of my life.

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Learning to savor food, yoga, & life.
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5 Responses to Cocoon to Butterfly

  1. Nancy Brown says:

    I love the Godly direction your blog has been taking lately — or perhaps I’m just noticing lately because I’m there too. Green Mountain opened my soul to so many possibilities, including a relationship with God. I’m stumbling my way along in this journey — discovering something that’s always been there for me. It’s joyous and humbling and just plain right. One of our blackboard quotes seems to fit here — it’s Emily Dickenson, “The soul should always stand ajar.” Best always.

    • Nancy, that means so much to me! It’s been a real risk for me to post publicly about how my relationship with food can mirror my journey with God, too. Always Blessings! xoxo

  2. Deva Sadhvi says:

    I also relate. When life flows through and within me, I sense the joy and readily am there to receive and give others as needed. But when I am not listening to my physical call of eating well, working out, singing, laughing, accepting the human form, then I seem to get stuck and not intune. Was just going to the gym as I read this, after a bit of quiet prayer and meditation. Keeping in Joy by following all those outer movements, seem to fill the heart and spirit. The two are intermingled.

  3. Kim says:

    What IF….Just what if….we NEED to Cocoon? I feel like I need to withdraw from my obligations from others, and just BE. Try to do the dirty work and figure out what I need to beat my addiction to food. Really dig deep and figure out why do I feel all this grief? And why does food soothe the grief so much? The picture of the little girl in the glass bottle is painful for me to look at….I see me, fragile. I am so thankful for your blog, I needed the clarity you provide for me. Thank You.

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