I don’t need the scale to prove my worth

So, it’s been a crappy weekend. Report cards are due in a few days. I have a sore throat and TOM. My mom was in the ER & then intensive care. My thyroid levels are toxic, as per my doctor. & I’ve been feeling very lightheaded, dizzy, trembling hands. So all in all. Pretty Shitty.

Went to yoga. I was about 3 minutes late, (which is rare for me in regards to yoga, but not for real life!), the room was packed. I was really pissed off during the class. I just kept thinking I AM SO OVER THIS WHOLE YOGA THING. I AM DONE. I managed to modify the class for myself, started crying in the middle, and made it through.

I decided some self-care was in order. The only thing I could think of was FOOD. EATING. Really? I need to develop some more ways to take care of myself. I decided some tea might feel good. I ordered Orange Blossom tea from Starbucks. It was so bitter, even with the honey. I also bought a cake pop. It tasted liked like uncooked cake mix, so I took one bite & tossed it.

Headed for the gym. Did not want to get sweaty. Just pedaled on the recumbent elliptical. Luckily, The Real Housewives was on, so spent over an hour watching my favorite trashy show.

In the midst of my guilty-pleasure viewing, I became CONVINCED that I MUST WEIGH MYSELF. I MUST!!! I tried to figure out what was going on. First of all, it was TOM so it’s not like I’m going to get a great number. Second of all, I decided I would only weigh myself once a month. It’s been 18 days since I’ve weighed myself.

Well, I got it.

I felt like I needed to weigh myself to prove to myself that I have/had worth. I needed that number to be low, so that I could like myself, and disassociate from the negative feelings I was experiencing.

I’ve got to figure out healthy ways to show myself self-care. I’ve got to realize my own worth, separate from the scale.

Those “I’ve got to’s” sound very Rule-ish, critical, and I need to reframe them.

What might be a good way to show myself more self-care?
How might I experience self-worth outside of using a scale?

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About eatingasapathtoyoga

Learning to savor food, yoga, & life.
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8 Responses to I don’t need the scale to prove my worth

  1. Lisa C says:

    Hang in there, Jill! When we’re stressed it’s easier to revert back to harmful habits because they momentarily make us feel better. Weighing yourself seems to be a compulsion for you when things get crazy. Just being mindful of where the urge is coming from and asking why can be helpful.

  2. Meghan says:

    I love Lisa’s response! What is TOM?

    Sounds like one way to show more self-care would be to celebrate all the things you did right that day: you still went to yoga, you went to Starbucks and immediately realized that food was not satisfying you, you worked out & seemed to enjoy it….I would say it was a damn good day!!!

    I wish you could see what an inspiration you are to me! Look at you-You took something you wanted to “figure out” (weight loss) and you DID something about it and you CONTINUE to do things about it! You are so hard on yourself-I hope you can realize how STRONG you really are to work at overcoming!!!!!!!!!!!! You really “need” to celebrate your tenacity and strength!

    That’s what I would put in your report card comment, btw. YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!

  3. Run Eat Play says:

    Yeah, the scale pretty much sucks, that’s why I avoid it! My happiness always depended on the number. Now I don’t even bother.
    I feel good from just working out and knowing that I’m getting stronger. I’m trying to accept myself the way I am!
    Some days ate just bad, I hope things get better!

  4. Sarah says:

    You’re inspiring. As you might guess, the tendency to “eat my feelings” is still a part of my life, although I don’t write about it as much as I used to.
    Today, I REALLY wanted to eat my feelings, but at least partly because of reading the thought processes you write about here, I stopped and thought about what I really needed and instead ended up chopping veggies and dancing in the kitchen with my son…and then eating a delicious meal when I was actually hungry. That was a satisfying experiencing.
    (Thank you for being a part of it. )

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