So, it’s been a crappy weekend. Report cards are due in a few days. I have a sore throat and TOM. My mom was in the ER & then intensive care. My thyroid levels are toxic, as per my doctor. & I’ve been feeling very lightheaded, dizzy, trembling hands. So all in all. Pretty Shitty.
Went to yoga. I was about 3 minutes late, (which is rare for me in regards to yoga, but not for real life!), the room was packed. I was really pissed off during the class. I just kept thinking I AM SO OVER THIS WHOLE YOGA THING. I AM DONE. I managed to modify the class for myself, started crying in the middle, and made it through.
I decided some self-care was in order. The only thing I could think of was FOOD. EATING. Really? I need to develop some more ways to take care of myself. I decided some tea might feel good. I ordered Orange Blossom tea from Starbucks. It was so bitter, even with the honey. I also bought a cake pop. It tasted liked like uncooked cake mix, so I took one bite & tossed it.
Headed for the gym. Did not want to get sweaty. Just pedaled on the recumbent elliptical. Luckily, The Real Housewives was on, so spent over an hour watching my favorite trashy show.
In the midst of my guilty-pleasure viewing, I became CONVINCED that I MUST WEIGH MYSELF. I MUST!!! I tried to figure out what was going on. First of all, it was TOM so it’s not like I’m going to get a great number. Second of all, I decided I would only weigh myself once a month. It’s been 18 days since I’ve weighed myself.
Well, I got it.
I felt like I needed to weigh myself to prove to myself that I have/had worth. I needed that number to be low, so that I could like myself, and disassociate from the negative feelings I was experiencing.
I’ve got to figure out healthy ways to show myself self-care. I’ve got to realize my own worth, separate from the scale.
Those “I’ve got to’s” sound very Rule-ish, critical, and I need to reframe them.
What might be a good way to show myself more self-care?
How might I experience self-worth outside of using a scale?