I used to be in a place where numbers ruled my life:
pounds on the scale
calories in a meal
minutes on the dreadmill
Amount of lunges & squats completed
When you are stuck in the obsession of numbers, you have arrived to the island of Diet Mentality.
It’s not located off the coast of Florida. It doesn’t have a zip code, although now that I’m no longer resident, it’s tempting it say it would be 66666-6666.
It’s located in your mind, and then forms a cancer within your Soul.
When you are in diet mentality, you are so desperate to lose weight. You are in a place of slavery and desperation.
It’s full of cycles of restriction and permission and then restriction again.
It’s punishing yourself for being permissive through binge eating, and then forcing yourself to stuff even more food down your throat to atone for the sins of the perceived overeating.
Where I Was:
I played the numbers game. I threatened the district manager of Culvers for nutritional information, journaled pages upon pages of yelling regarding eating 3 bites of a brownie.
Where I Am Now:
Thinking about that Island of Diet Mentality, puts in me in a panic. And then. I remember. That. I have surrendered my eating to my Inner Wisdom. She is my Wise Woman Self who lets me know how and what to eat.
In times of crisis, when I don’t want to feel my exiled feeling parts, I use my distractors to tell me that I’m too fat, too unacceptable, and all-around just. too. much.
That’s when I contemplate a trip back to the Island of Diet Mentality. I get out my road map, I think about the different routes or diets I could take.
And then the realization of what it means to be a slave to restriction and numbers floods over me.
I throw away my packing list.
The Truth Is… I could not follow a diet at this point even if I tried. The whole restriction/binge cycle is just not a loving, kind way to live.
I really struggle with self-hatred. However, I could never, ever live on that Island again.