Since leaving Green Mountain, my life has changed. I enjoy movement and incorporate it into my life regularly. I’m starting to experiment with Cooking 101. My binge eating has lessened. I’m becoming more and more increasingly aware that food is just food.
That is disappointing.
Because now I have feelings. Big ones.
And I know that ice cream won’t solve them.
When I was stuck in diet mentality, I was really great at the whole restricting thing. I lost a lot of weight. You’d think I’d be happy, right?
Nope. I’ve never been so depressed in my entire life. I had these big feelings that were not being bandaged by food. Remember, I was restricting. So what did I do? I ate back all my lost weight, plus some.
I’ve broken free from the chains of dieting. I listen to my hunger and satisfaction signals. (I honor them imperfectly.) But those stuffed down feelings are arising again. I’m losing weight.
Sometimes I think about that period when I got really depressed, and wonder if I will end up there again?
I won’t. I’m a different, stronger person now. I have better boundaries, and lots of wise experiences to pull from.
But, I have to find other strategies to deal with my feelings.
You know… more than the typical Weight Watchers strategies of: take a bath, phone a friend, take a walk, get a manicure.
The strategies I want to bring to my feelings mean actually sitting with those feelings.
Trusting that they won’t overcome my system like they did before.
They include: crying a lot & knowing that I eventually will stop. Journaling through emotions, and ripping out the pages I’ve written, if I feel like it. Screaming in my car. Experimenting with Meditation and Mindfulness. Opening up to people who care about me.
Today was not one of those days. I was feeling so bad emotionally, and I wanted my physical body to have those same feelings. So I went back to my default of eating.
It takes time to build new neuro pathways. I will be patient with myself. Two steps forward, one step back.
How are you gentle with yourself? How can we infuse self-compassion into our day?