I hate the phrase “ebb and flow”, but that is what is definitely happening with my eating.
Last week I found myself standing at the refrigerator… frantic eating beginning… two handfuls of something I have no idea what… half a piece of cheese… and all of sudden I came out of the trance & stopped. I told myself to pause. I realized what I was doing did not feel good, did not taste good, wasn’t the right choice for maintaining a calm relationship with food. And that was that. It was amazing.
Cooking is an amazing way to nuture my body and connect with friends. More on that later.
Several days ago, I got home from working with clients and had the desperate feeling of wanting to binge. I checked in with my body and my hunger levels, and found that I was not physically hungry at all.
I was experiencing a big trigger for me: home alone for an extended period of time. I was feeling uncomfortable and wasn’t sure what it was about. I just wanted to relax and watch television.
I decided I was not going to eat. I was anxious to find out if I would blow up or die or something!!!
I wanted to find some calm. I didn’t want another hobby to do. I just wanted to be still.
However, all I kept thinking was, “Must eat. Or. Will Blow Up. And Die. That would be so embarrassing!!!!”
I felt tightness in my chest. But, I doubted I would have a heart attack. But, if I did, that would be so I told ya so…..
I sat with those feelings for about 20 minutes. Then I kinda got busy by watching Bravotv & playing Solitaire Blitz. Priorities.
I started to relax into something else. I think I was tired. that was part of it. (Usually is.)
It is amazing to me how you can have such a mind shift after sitting with your feelings and then going to bed.
I did go to bed.
And I woke up.
And I instantly knew why I wanted to eat so badly. And I realized the same thing had happened the week before. It had to do with not feeling worthy, not feeling good enough, wanting to impress someone I don’t even actually have high regard for.
You know, all the deep core issue stuffs.
So, yeah it’s been an amazing journey.